Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
and you fell through a lawn chair
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
