Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
