rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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