Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
