also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
