he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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