how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
