i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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