Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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