Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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