I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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