She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
