I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
