I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
soo... how was my night?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
