I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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