I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's great music for shaving your balls
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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