theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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