Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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