He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
