Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
