then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
