My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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