i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
