I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
