I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have fence marks all over my body
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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