i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
