I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
