My sheets look like a crime scene.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
