I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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