We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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