There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
