fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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