i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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