your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
His nipple licking is glorious
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