Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
