Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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