why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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