The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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