Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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