You can't special order awesome
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
