I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
