Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't deserve a penis
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
