I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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