the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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