Sry I called you an 8
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
