hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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