I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
