I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
