dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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