fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
