Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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