I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
