So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
