If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
