i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
