Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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