The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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